Vegas Vacation Preparation - A Girl Has Priorities

As some of you know, I'm heading to Vegas on Friday to attend the Academy of Country Music Awards for the second year in a row. It is a BLAST...but there is so damn much prep work to get ready to just....leave! I've read many bridal magazines that give a time line on how to prepare for the big day. In honor of my vacation, I have created one that applies ONLY to Vegas (or stripper school? Is there such a thing?)

ONE MONTH BEFORE

1. Begin preparations for lying by the pool. This involves suddenly working out for 2 hours every day and shopping for bikinis. Looking at the Victoria's Secret catalog and thinking you will look just like Marissa Miller in the suit of your choice is counter-productive. Be realistic. You'll at least look like Tyra (the Tyra of this year, not back in the day Tyra). But keep in mind that you'll be drunk at the pool, so you probably won't be worrying about sucking your gut in anyway.

2. Dress shopping is a must. You have to determine what your "look" is going to be. Last year was "Glam Prom" with long, sexy dresses. This year I'm going with a look I call "Club Whore"... or maybe "Glitter Whore" My dress is short (which being 6' tall makes any dress shorter than normal...but this is SHORT...like don't bend over short), pink, very booby (have to show the girls or it just wouldn't be me...) and has gold sequins on it. I freakin love it. And I was lucky enough to find it way in advance, unlike last year when I was holding my breath two days before we left praying that A. my dress would show up and B. that it would fit. This is why I made a point to be sure I was SUPER prepared this year. You should never put yourself into dress panic, as this is the main focus of the whole trip! Gambling? Naww....it's all how many country stars check you out!

TWO WEEKS BEFORE

1. If you haven't been working out like you should, this is the perfect opportunity to starve yourself for 10 days with a cleanse! Feeling like you look five months pregnant? No worries! Mix lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup with water and gulp it down like the Jack and Cokes you will have in Vegas. Imagine it is being served to you by Clive Owen. Don't worry about the inordinate amount of time you will spend in the bathroom and obsessing about eating something...it will all be worth it in the end when that bikini fits better.

2. I'm sure that you have been thinking about your hair, right? And your pedicure? You should be thinking about it if you haven't. This is the time to get a trim, touch up on the color and of course how you are going to rock out your 'do when the time comes...on the strip. Oh, and speaking of 'do's ...uh, bikini wax anyone?

THE WEEK OF!

1. I'm going to hit you with the hair/nails/wax question again....have you? Huh? If not...get to it! You will feel way better if you're laying by the pool in your string bikini with nicely painted toes...not some jenky chipped crap. And no one likes split ends. Get to it.

2. Tanning. I have mixed emotions about it. Tanning is essential to the sexy look for Vegas. How you get the tan is up to you. Normally, as the whitest person outside of Ireland who hasn't been in a tanning booth since 2004, I would opt for a convenient spray tan. However, this year, I was concerned about getting burned by the pool (though I always wear 50 SPF) and decided to try the ol' fake and bake one more time. The only reason being because I was told it was some new fancy tanning booth that measures your melanin and customizes the tan to your skin...so NO ONE EVER BURNS. BIG FAT LIARS!!! I tanned at 8 pm...by 9 pm (at my VOLLEYBALL GAME...never play volleyball when your forearms are fried. It's a very, very long hour) I was as pink as a grapefruit. Only without the juicy center. My ass is cooked. My hips are cooked. My boobs are cooked. It hurts to sit today. Needless to say...I am going to get my money back and put it towards the basic, pain-free spray tan today. Just be forewarned. Can't say I didn't tell ya....

3. Condoms? Depends on what kind of party you're up for!

THE DAY BEFORE YOU LEAVE

If you're anything like me...you will do all of this "very important" preparation in a timely manner. The problem is, it leaves you with ONE DAY to put it together! I am leaving tomorrow and have NOTHING DONE of ANY IMPORTANCE. Of course my hair is ready, have the dresses, my 15 pound lighter, cleansed, skinny, bright red ass is ready to go....but I haven't done laundry (who really needs underwear in Vegas anyway?), packed, or cleaned my house so it doesn't depress me on my assumed hungover and exhausted return to the real world. I have to go buy toothpaste. I should get a new suitcase since the leg on mine broke last time we went. I have to go to the mall and buy...stuff?

So, yes, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. I'm sure, for me, that will not ring true since I'll probably tell MOST everything that happens along the way. I just hope I won't be peeling all over the keyboard. Or be completely broke. Or God forbid not have a Miracle Bra from Victoria's Secret in the suitcase next to me. A girl has priorities.

How I've Lost 2000 Pounds

I had intended to write this entry about my cleansing on a day to day basis. I have been on what is called The Master Cleanse for 6 days now, and it has been a very surprising journey so far. I am amazed at how determined I've stayed ...as every time I have tried to do something like this in the past I completely freak out about 5 hours into it! It has been a good way of proving to myself that I do have the ability to make changes. And stick to them. I have 4 more days to go on this journey, and look forward to the results I will see.

I started this process because I get sick with everything. I came near to dying a few years ago when I had a blood clot take a trip around my system...followed by 12 of its' friends who camped out in my leg. I catch every cold that comes through. And, of course, I want to lose weight (and look awesome in my dress for the Country Music Awards in 3 weeks...)

Yet, I have had a much deeper cleansing than I thought I would.

In the last 24 hours, something has happened to me. I literally feel like I'm purging every MAN I've had a relationship with out of my system. I feel like my mind is clearer, and for some reason, has taken me down memory lane. It is as though my body is telling me to let go of OTHER things I've been holding on to ...not just old food and physical toxins. Emotional toxins too.

Last night I verbal vomited all over my diary, cried and reminisced. I recognized what I've learned from every guy I've had feelings for, or been cheated on, or dumped by, or dumped them. I've made some poor choices, but they have led me to this place where I have been given the opportunity to clean them out. Literally. I have detoxed my love life. I woke up this morning a bit melancholy, but after moving around a bit I actually feel great. I feel like I just lost 2000 pounds of baggage. 2000 pounds of men and all the shit from them I have carried with me for so long. 2000 pounds that I can thank for teaching me lessons.

It's honestly like I flushed them all down the toilet.

I love the Oscars

Normally, I leave the Oscar wrap-up to my buddy Annie on her blog www.anniethology.blogspot.com. For some reason this year there were too many golden nuggets of BLAH BLAH BLAH to miss out making fun of them.

My first concern was with the host....after last year's Jon Stewart debacle I had my doubts. I've always enjoyed looking at Hugh Jackman (who can forget in Someone Like You when he runs around the loft in his underwear. Soooooo yummy!). And in the end...LOVED him. He was charming, funny, and so so talented. It wasn't too over the top. Very elegant and lovely, and now I have a massive crush on him. When does "Wolverine" come out?

Why is the big talk about Mickey Rourke? Really, what new, fantastic role can be around the corner for him? I mentioned this in my Facebook stati, but he looks as though a shower is as foreign to him as a mirror. "Mickey is back" seemed to be the big news floating around the Oscar buzz. WHO CARES? He was creepy in 9 1/2 Weeks, and Angel Heart then....in.....what else was he in? Oh, right. NOTHING! Basically, his movie career consists of him "doin it" onscreen. YUCK! I see his next move as being a guest star on Hulk Hogan's new reality show "Bleach Blonde Bimbo Brutes". Kind of like a new version of an Annette Funnicello movie.


I've never seen anyone look more lost on a stage than Jerry Lewis. Where do I go? What do I do? I thought he was dead? Is that bad? And if he's not (I think the jury is still out...could have been a stunt double) then he sleeps in that peat mud they have in Ireland that preserves even hair color. Kinda creeped me out.

Ben Stiller. Not funny.
James Franco and Seth Rogen. Funny as hell.

Randoms...
French Magic Dude? I felt as though he took a relic from Rome and balanced it on his chin. So sacrelig...
The "Tigger" guy? Who cares Mr. I Did The Lighting?

Loved, loved, loved the musical montage. I LOVES me a montage...and even better if it's a musical one! And with Beyonce! Love her! I feel like she should have been that Bond villain who killed men with her thighs. What wonderful thighs they are! Men would thank her as she crushed their ribs....

I love Meryl Streep. Was glad to see she got a dress for this one (unlike when she won her Golden Globe)...that woman can do no wrong. My mom and I watched Mamma Mia! last night pre-Oscars (yes I've seen it like...oh ...10 times) and Mom said, "Who knew Meryl Streep could sing that well?" My response was, "Duh, Mom. She's the Streeper. She can do ANYTHING!!"

Why did I feel as though I was being scolded by Sophia Loren? I guess, like the Streeper, she can do whatever the hell she wants because she's Sophia Loren. Stand with your hand on your hip girl! Put us all in our place. You're like 110 years old and your body is STILL better than mine ever will be!

I haven't seen Slumdog Millionaire yet, though I'm looking forward to it. Especially now...movies are always better AFTER they win a shitload of Oscars. Love the Bollywood stuff...though not as much as Annie!

On a "Why does she get to go to the Oscars and I don't" note (previous members of this club include Monica Lewinsky and Hannah Montana (was she Miley or Hannah this year?))...Jennifer Aniston. I am SOOO over you and your hair. Every damn time I see you you look exactly the same. She was probably wearing a $20,000 dress and yet couldn't be bothered to comb that mop of hers. The boho braid did nothing to help...honestly she could have been wearing cargos and a tank top and no one would have known the difference. And did anyone else catch the "cut to" to Angelina while she was up there blabbing with Jack Black? I laughed out loud! I can't even imagine how weird it was to get up on that stage with your ex-husband and his glamazon life partner (and her glorious jewelry...see below) right there in the front row. Both nominated for Oscars. And the last thing she did was...The Break Up? Wait, was that a movie or her relationship with John Mayer? Can't keep it straight.

Why, why, why does Spicoli always have to ruin everything? Shut your pie hole! Just say thank you, hold up your statue and get the HELL off the stage! You are not a political figure. You make believe for money. That's almost like being a modern Buddha. But not quite.

So to wrap it up...here are some of my "LOVES"


Angelina's emeralds almost made me pee in my pants a little bit. Wanted to pull a Mike Tyson and bite her ear off. I actually hit rewind on the ol' remote to take a better look at them.

Pleats, pleats and more pleats. Loved this dress, but c'mon Marissa...what's up with the 'do?

My hero. She is just THE SHIT!!! (though the dress looks a bit drab on a blonde...but I feel a bit guilty even saying that....)


I'm so loving Anne Hathaway right now. I loved how she got all weepy when Shirley MacLaine was announcing her nomination. Take that you stupid, life-sucking Italian boyfriend. Way to shine girl!

And for fun...a couple of things "I DID NOT LOVE"...

Why does Tilda Swinton always have to look like death warmed over? She needs a friend to tell her, "Dear, that look like absolute rubbish on you." I thought maybe she was wearing a specially dyed Hefty sack.

I know I might catch some shit for this, but I did not love Penelope Cruz' dress. I know it was vintage and she saw it like 10 years ago and wanted it...BLAH BLAH BLAH. It just reminded me too much of this...


And of course, in his full splendor...our friend Mickey. I don't give two shits if it IS Jean Paul Gaultier. He would have looked better with Madonna's cone bra on.

I must be clear. I am one of those people who has dreams of being nominated for an Oscar someday. Maybe for editing or something. And if I show up looking like a complete fool, I give you full permission to make as much fun of me as you wish. That is what happens when you are in the public eye...those eyes may rip you to shreds the next day! Here's what I would want to look like if I were able to attend...






That's right, don't be hatin. Watch out Bjork.

The Girl Scouts are the Spawn of Satan

Has anyone else ever noticed that the push for those delicious Girl Scout cookies starts now? What kind of sadistic, crazy person would start selling such temptations right on the heels of the New Year's Resolution/Holiday Heifer Season? Seriously. Someone in a green sash should be shot. Then add the Valentine's Day candy piles at the store to the mix...it's just totally unfair. My gigantic ass does not thank you...but my taste buds do!

She-Devils! They won't be so grinny after they turn 30 and those thin mints go right to their fat thighs!

Why My Dad Is the Most Adorable Man I will Ever Meet

I have been blessed in this life to have great men in my family. My grandfather was an amazing, sweet person and I miss him every day. My brother, 15 years my senior, has become one of my dearest friends. But the creme de la creme of all is my father.

He was 40 when I was born, which back then was an oddity. Everyone thought he was my grandfather! I am lucky to have a dad who knows who he is and has always been strong for me. Always.

This does not mean that he isn't the most naive person (in some respects) that I have EVER met. He is also one of the funniest people I've met...unintentionally of course. There are many things that crack me up about Big Jack...playing games with him (making him say "douche bag" out loud in a particularly hysterical round of Balderdash stands out right now)...how he pretends to not hear you when you're right next to him but can decipher anything if you're two rooms away from him hollering.

My favorite, however, are his classic voicemail messages.

He very rarely calls me...most of the time it's my mom (who relays info between the two of us). If forced to leave a message, then things get tricky.

Back in the days of answering machines, I came home to this nugget of cuteness. I swear to God this is the truth.
"Hello, this is Mouthy's father. Please have her call me. At my home. She has the
number. Thank you."

Because I have a personal assistant, aka my answering machine, who tends to tedious tasks such as taking messages. Right?

Saturday he left this classic.
"Mouthy, this is your father. Um...please call me as soon as possible regarding my ladder. Thank you."

Keep in mind this is all done in a very monotone, gruff, irritated sounding voice. When you are almost 36 and your dad calls and says "this is your father", two things happen. One, you feel like you're about 13 again, and two, you assume you forgot to take out the trash or were late for curfew or something. He actually did this to my brother once and freaked him out because he assumed that something had happened to Mom. Because Dad NEVER calls!

I called back, crying because I was laughing so hard. He couldn't understand why I thought it was so funny...but kept telling me to stop giving him a hard time about it. He's a technological infant.

But at least I wasn't in trouble. This time!

Allow Me To Explain Myself....

Welcome!

As this is my inaugural post, I felt it important to get some housekeeping out of the way. I want to start off on the right foot with a full understanding between us, dear reader, so there isn't any confusion or hurt feelings down the road. Let's get to know each other and what this possibly insane address will provide for you.

The "backstory", quite simply, is the tale you come up with to cover your tracks. Or, it could be a story you tell someone just for fun. For example (and trust me there will be many examples of this to come...) coming up with a story as to why you're not at work is your "backstory". If you call in sick, tell your boss that you're over the toilet with the flu when you're actually skiing, that's you're backstory. To use the other example...if you meet a guy and you tell him you're a flight attendant from Hackensack when you're really a teacher from L.A. - that's your backstory.

The reason I chose this name is because I am the QUEEN of the backstory. I can be in a bar, have a guy walk up to me and without thinking suddenly I'm a student at Yale working on my PhD in Astrophysics. I don't know where it comes from...a gift of sorts I suppose. I find myself saying to friends - ALOT - "Okay, so here's our backstory..."

I'm just going to take a shot in the dark here and say...this isn't a "G" rated site. Or even "PG-13". I can't help it...most of the things that come out of my mouth are quite "R" rated. As are most of the things that happen to me. Now, to be clear, I'm not going to be ranting and raving and swearing in every post. There will be adult content, the occasional swear word...but also stories about my family and some friends which will be more tame. I'm a randy girl. I can't help it.

Please make comments! Yell, cry, laugh...whatever you feel like doing...I would just love to know what you're doing when you're doing it. This is my way of getting to know you! Also, feel free to talk about me behind my back. I encourage bad behavior when it comes to this one thing. (Okay, that's a lie...I encourage bad behavior a lot of the time...)

As far as the rest of it goes...I guess I will just say thanks for stopping by. I hope you enjoy reading about my crazy life as much as I love telling you about it. And as I mention in the subtitle, keep in mind, this ain't your mama's blog. So grab your bootstraps and pull, cuz here I come!