Vegas Vacation Preparation - A Girl Has Priorities

As some of you know, I'm heading to Vegas on Friday to attend the Academy of Country Music Awards for the second year in a row. It is a BLAST...but there is so damn much prep work to get ready to just....leave! I've read many bridal magazines that give a time line on how to prepare for the big day. In honor of my vacation, I have created one that applies ONLY to Vegas (or stripper school? Is there such a thing?)

ONE MONTH BEFORE

1. Begin preparations for lying by the pool. This involves suddenly working out for 2 hours every day and shopping for bikinis. Looking at the Victoria's Secret catalog and thinking you will look just like Marissa Miller in the suit of your choice is counter-productive. Be realistic. You'll at least look like Tyra (the Tyra of this year, not back in the day Tyra). But keep in mind that you'll be drunk at the pool, so you probably won't be worrying about sucking your gut in anyway.

2. Dress shopping is a must. You have to determine what your "look" is going to be. Last year was "Glam Prom" with long, sexy dresses. This year I'm going with a look I call "Club Whore"... or maybe "Glitter Whore" My dress is short (which being 6' tall makes any dress shorter than normal...but this is SHORT...like don't bend over short), pink, very booby (have to show the girls or it just wouldn't be me...) and has gold sequins on it. I freakin love it. And I was lucky enough to find it way in advance, unlike last year when I was holding my breath two days before we left praying that A. my dress would show up and B. that it would fit. This is why I made a point to be sure I was SUPER prepared this year. You should never put yourself into dress panic, as this is the main focus of the whole trip! Gambling? Naww....it's all how many country stars check you out!

TWO WEEKS BEFORE

1. If you haven't been working out like you should, this is the perfect opportunity to starve yourself for 10 days with a cleanse! Feeling like you look five months pregnant? No worries! Mix lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup with water and gulp it down like the Jack and Cokes you will have in Vegas. Imagine it is being served to you by Clive Owen. Don't worry about the inordinate amount of time you will spend in the bathroom and obsessing about eating something...it will all be worth it in the end when that bikini fits better.

2. I'm sure that you have been thinking about your hair, right? And your pedicure? You should be thinking about it if you haven't. This is the time to get a trim, touch up on the color and of course how you are going to rock out your 'do when the time comes...on the strip. Oh, and speaking of 'do's ...uh, bikini wax anyone?

THE WEEK OF!

1. I'm going to hit you with the hair/nails/wax question again....have you? Huh? If not...get to it! You will feel way better if you're laying by the pool in your string bikini with nicely painted toes...not some jenky chipped crap. And no one likes split ends. Get to it.

2. Tanning. I have mixed emotions about it. Tanning is essential to the sexy look for Vegas. How you get the tan is up to you. Normally, as the whitest person outside of Ireland who hasn't been in a tanning booth since 2004, I would opt for a convenient spray tan. However, this year, I was concerned about getting burned by the pool (though I always wear 50 SPF) and decided to try the ol' fake and bake one more time. The only reason being because I was told it was some new fancy tanning booth that measures your melanin and customizes the tan to your skin...so NO ONE EVER BURNS. BIG FAT LIARS!!! I tanned at 8 pm...by 9 pm (at my VOLLEYBALL GAME...never play volleyball when your forearms are fried. It's a very, very long hour) I was as pink as a grapefruit. Only without the juicy center. My ass is cooked. My hips are cooked. My boobs are cooked. It hurts to sit today. Needless to say...I am going to get my money back and put it towards the basic, pain-free spray tan today. Just be forewarned. Can't say I didn't tell ya....

3. Condoms? Depends on what kind of party you're up for!

THE DAY BEFORE YOU LEAVE

If you're anything like me...you will do all of this "very important" preparation in a timely manner. The problem is, it leaves you with ONE DAY to put it together! I am leaving tomorrow and have NOTHING DONE of ANY IMPORTANCE. Of course my hair is ready, have the dresses, my 15 pound lighter, cleansed, skinny, bright red ass is ready to go....but I haven't done laundry (who really needs underwear in Vegas anyway?), packed, or cleaned my house so it doesn't depress me on my assumed hungover and exhausted return to the real world. I have to go buy toothpaste. I should get a new suitcase since the leg on mine broke last time we went. I have to go to the mall and buy...stuff?

So, yes, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. I'm sure, for me, that will not ring true since I'll probably tell MOST everything that happens along the way. I just hope I won't be peeling all over the keyboard. Or be completely broke. Or God forbid not have a Miracle Bra from Victoria's Secret in the suitcase next to me. A girl has priorities.