I love the Oscars

Normally, I leave the Oscar wrap-up to my buddy Annie on her blog www.anniethology.blogspot.com. For some reason this year there were too many golden nuggets of BLAH BLAH BLAH to miss out making fun of them.

My first concern was with the host....after last year's Jon Stewart debacle I had my doubts. I've always enjoyed looking at Hugh Jackman (who can forget in Someone Like You when he runs around the loft in his underwear. Soooooo yummy!). And in the end...LOVED him. He was charming, funny, and so so talented. It wasn't too over the top. Very elegant and lovely, and now I have a massive crush on him. When does "Wolverine" come out?

Why is the big talk about Mickey Rourke? Really, what new, fantastic role can be around the corner for him? I mentioned this in my Facebook stati, but he looks as though a shower is as foreign to him as a mirror. "Mickey is back" seemed to be the big news floating around the Oscar buzz. WHO CARES? He was creepy in 9 1/2 Weeks, and Angel Heart then....in.....what else was he in? Oh, right. NOTHING! Basically, his movie career consists of him "doin it" onscreen. YUCK! I see his next move as being a guest star on Hulk Hogan's new reality show "Bleach Blonde Bimbo Brutes". Kind of like a new version of an Annette Funnicello movie.


I've never seen anyone look more lost on a stage than Jerry Lewis. Where do I go? What do I do? I thought he was dead? Is that bad? And if he's not (I think the jury is still out...could have been a stunt double) then he sleeps in that peat mud they have in Ireland that preserves even hair color. Kinda creeped me out.

Ben Stiller. Not funny.
James Franco and Seth Rogen. Funny as hell.

Randoms...
French Magic Dude? I felt as though he took a relic from Rome and balanced it on his chin. So sacrelig...
The "Tigger" guy? Who cares Mr. I Did The Lighting?

Loved, loved, loved the musical montage. I LOVES me a montage...and even better if it's a musical one! And with Beyonce! Love her! I feel like she should have been that Bond villain who killed men with her thighs. What wonderful thighs they are! Men would thank her as she crushed their ribs....

I love Meryl Streep. Was glad to see she got a dress for this one (unlike when she won her Golden Globe)...that woman can do no wrong. My mom and I watched Mamma Mia! last night pre-Oscars (yes I've seen it like...oh ...10 times) and Mom said, "Who knew Meryl Streep could sing that well?" My response was, "Duh, Mom. She's the Streeper. She can do ANYTHING!!"

Why did I feel as though I was being scolded by Sophia Loren? I guess, like the Streeper, she can do whatever the hell she wants because she's Sophia Loren. Stand with your hand on your hip girl! Put us all in our place. You're like 110 years old and your body is STILL better than mine ever will be!

I haven't seen Slumdog Millionaire yet, though I'm looking forward to it. Especially now...movies are always better AFTER they win a shitload of Oscars. Love the Bollywood stuff...though not as much as Annie!

On a "Why does she get to go to the Oscars and I don't" note (previous members of this club include Monica Lewinsky and Hannah Montana (was she Miley or Hannah this year?))...Jennifer Aniston. I am SOOO over you and your hair. Every damn time I see you you look exactly the same. She was probably wearing a $20,000 dress and yet couldn't be bothered to comb that mop of hers. The boho braid did nothing to help...honestly she could have been wearing cargos and a tank top and no one would have known the difference. And did anyone else catch the "cut to" to Angelina while she was up there blabbing with Jack Black? I laughed out loud! I can't even imagine how weird it was to get up on that stage with your ex-husband and his glamazon life partner (and her glorious jewelry...see below) right there in the front row. Both nominated for Oscars. And the last thing she did was...The Break Up? Wait, was that a movie or her relationship with John Mayer? Can't keep it straight.

Why, why, why does Spicoli always have to ruin everything? Shut your pie hole! Just say thank you, hold up your statue and get the HELL off the stage! You are not a political figure. You make believe for money. That's almost like being a modern Buddha. But not quite.

So to wrap it up...here are some of my "LOVES"


Angelina's emeralds almost made me pee in my pants a little bit. Wanted to pull a Mike Tyson and bite her ear off. I actually hit rewind on the ol' remote to take a better look at them.

Pleats, pleats and more pleats. Loved this dress, but c'mon Marissa...what's up with the 'do?

My hero. She is just THE SHIT!!! (though the dress looks a bit drab on a blonde...but I feel a bit guilty even saying that....)


I'm so loving Anne Hathaway right now. I loved how she got all weepy when Shirley MacLaine was announcing her nomination. Take that you stupid, life-sucking Italian boyfriend. Way to shine girl!

And for fun...a couple of things "I DID NOT LOVE"...

Why does Tilda Swinton always have to look like death warmed over? She needs a friend to tell her, "Dear, that look like absolute rubbish on you." I thought maybe she was wearing a specially dyed Hefty sack.

I know I might catch some shit for this, but I did not love Penelope Cruz' dress. I know it was vintage and she saw it like 10 years ago and wanted it...BLAH BLAH BLAH. It just reminded me too much of this...


And of course, in his full splendor...our friend Mickey. I don't give two shits if it IS Jean Paul Gaultier. He would have looked better with Madonna's cone bra on.

I must be clear. I am one of those people who has dreams of being nominated for an Oscar someday. Maybe for editing or something. And if I show up looking like a complete fool, I give you full permission to make as much fun of me as you wish. That is what happens when you are in the public eye...those eyes may rip you to shreds the next day! Here's what I would want to look like if I were able to attend...






That's right, don't be hatin. Watch out Bjork.